There are a multitude of methods in which to stay “connected” to your family and friends while at Club Fed.

Should your loved ones care to make the journey to your rural retreat and see you in person, versus the limited time on Skype, they are welcome to come every week should you/they so desire.  In many cases the journey is long, as Camps are intentionally located outside of tempting/stimulating metropolitan areas (more Deliverance than Gosford Park).

Visiting rooms differ based on your location, but it’s normally an open room with tables, chairs, perhaps an area for children with toys, vending machines, bathrooms, etc.  There are no barriers separating you and, weather  and location permitting, there could also be an outside area with swings, picnic tables and chairs to enjoy the fresh air.

You can kiss, hug, hold hands and relax in one another’s presence.  As with any shared social experience you should not exhibit excessive amounts of PDA nor behave in a way that would be offensive to others.   Should you cross the line (ala Miley Cyrus) your visits will be curtailed.

Prior to entering the social gathering space your visitor has purged themselves of everything that could potentially be harmful.  Similar to your TSA experience no liquids, etc. are allowed but can be purchased once inside.

As no hard cash is allowed at Camp, like your Club chit system at home, your visitors need to bring money for the Vending Machines.  As there may or may not be a change machine encourage them to bring rolls of quarters so that you can indulge in your favorite forbidden childhood Hostess treats.

Visits can last many hours, depending upon when guests arrive and when they choose to depart.  Hours can vary but assume a healthy 4-5 hour experience.

Should you wish to capture the essence of a visit, many Camps provide photographers to record the moment.  Given that you will be swathed in head to toe khaki you might want to suggest your fellow subject matters wear something that compliments what you are wearing or they hide your attire altogether in a group shot.

Yes, some people wish to have photos taken on sabbatical…it may seem hard to believe, but there are ample photo opportunities available, not just during visits.  One of your fellow Campers will have taken on the responsibility of the resident Canon Sharpshooter (the only type of sharpshooter around) and will have set weekly hours when they will take posed pictures of you and your new friends.

For these occasions people prepare as if Annie Leibovitz had set up shop.  Women spend hours on their hair and make up and outfits which have been set aside for such events are brought out and pressed until the creases are razor sharp.

Backdrops are provided as well….depending upon the season you might have butterflies brightly painted on a large canvas or a Nativity Scene during the holidays.  Not exactly like the Scavullo portraits of Mummy in her heyday but something to commemorate your staycay as well as the new friends you have made.

Besides visits, you can also make calls.  You will be allocated a certain number of minutes per month and it’s at your discretion how you would like to distribute that time but no single call can last longer than 15 minutes.  That being said, be sure your friends and family don’t spend the first 5 minutes venting to you about the horrible weather they encountered on their recent trip to Parrot Cay and focus the time on topics of interest to you, like what ranking Jordan Speith has achieved.

As Uncle Sam is providing the phones (a vast number in your new lodging) he also retains records of your calls, so don’t joke about joining ISIS when you depart or you may experience an interrogation scene out of Meet The Parents explaining your attempt at comedy.