If you can’t embrace the clean living at Club Fed and truly can’t forego your electronic devices nor your nicotine and beverage cravings then there are options for you to obtain these amenities.

Let’s begin with the basics.  Just like when you were trying to pass as 21 and your 18 yr old baby face wouldn’t get you the beers you needed to host a Homecoming bash, all you needed to obtain the party essentials was a few extra bucks to your college age neighbor home on break.

While no hard cash is allowed at Club Fed, you do have access to a bank account whereby you can purchase items at Fed Mart such as food, clothing, photo cards, etc. to offer in exchange for non Camp approved fare.

If no cash is available to you there are other ways to barter for the items you are jonesing for…the industrious will offer to iron clothes, clean living spaces, carry Fed Mart purchases, cut hair, give manicures/pedicures, cook, etc.

If you crave more than your daily allotment of fresh fruit then become friendly with someone that works in CDR that can bring you the oranges you need to make fresh squeezed orange juice daily….better yet, a Mimosa with the homemade hooch your Camp Mate fermented with potatoes he/she saved.

In need of some Marlboros pronto?  Just start sniffing around and follow the nicotine trail…you will find surprisingly well wrapped fags.  Need a light?  Your friend who works in Maintenance has access to all types of tools to provide a spark.

Tired of tearing out the magazine samples as your source of personal fragrance?  Fed Mart has started selling body washes that can provide you with the perfumed air you so desire.  This varies from site to site but there is normally one choice that has some type of scent (fruit, flower, etc.).  If you prefer something more organic ask your friend in Lawn Maintenance for some of the Mint or Rosemary they are growing on the property.

Aching to call your significant other (SO) in the middle of the night?  Cell phones can be procured by multiple means.  The daring will smuggle one in during a visit or have one left near Camp that can be picked up.  With the invention of drones the possibilities are now limitless.

In the mood for something more naughty?  People in Horticulture are growing more than jade plants….and people will grind up just about anything they can snort.

The ingenuity demonstrated at Club Fed would have impressed Harriet Tubman but keep in mind that any of these actions can result in a “shot.” (See related post “Did Someone Say Shots”).