Get ready to expand your vocabulary at Club Fed.  You may learn a few new words that haven’t made it to the OED (yet).

Bulldagging

Girl on girl action, need I say more?

Call Out

Mon-Fri a “Call Out” sheet is delivered along with the mail.  This sheet lists all of the various classes, programs, medical appointments, etc. for everyone at Club Fed.  You should review this list daily to see if your name appears so that you aware of any designated engagements and adjust your schedule accordingly.

CDR

Acronym for Communal Dining Room.  Similar to your Marriott catered College meal plan.  Serving 3 meals daily, buffet style.  Attendance is optional.  Formal attire required for Breakfast/Lunch weekdays.   Casual attire when eating Dinner and on Weekends.

Commissary

See related Post on Fed Mart.  Federal/Military term used to describe the on site grocery/clothing/cosmetic store.  Normally open 5 days a week but shopping time may be limited based on size and staffing of store.  Locally known as Fed Mart.

Con Air

Transfers of camp mates via Federal airlines.  For those that can not drive themselves to Camp, they can be transferred courtesy of Uncle Sam on Federally supplied transportation.  This is not recommended as you could be sitting next to someone that is scheduled to go to another higher security facility.  The seats and food are also not up to Business Class standards, to put it mildly.

Cop Out Sheet

Should you wish to make an appointment at Cosmo, sign up for a class in Education, etc. you need to complete a form called a Cop Out Sheet and drop it off at the respective mailbox.  It will be returned to you with a reply (at Mail Call) normally within a few days.

Cosmo

Club Fed has a full service Cosmetology Program (locally known as Cosmo) where you can schedule an appointment for a hair cut, hair color, manicure, etc.  Disclaimer: these services are performed by fellow Campers.  One can apply to earn a Cosmetology degree if their staycay is longer than 3 years.  During this time you will learn, through study and practical experience, and eventually earn a Cosmetology degree.  See related Post entitled “Fedkai.”

Cottage Maintenance

A lovely way to describe those that work cleaning the dorms.  A realtor must have come up with this glamorized term for a rather dirty job.  This involves the cleaning of the bathrooms, showers, common areas (TV Room, Ice Dispenser, etc.) in preparation for weekly health inspections.  The dorms are rated by cleanliness and those with higher levels get preference in attending CDR.

Counts

Several times a day you will be required to check in to be counted.  This is to ensure that no one wandered off campus.  Nothing is required of you but patience.  Times vary depending upon which Club Fed your are attending but assume one in the morning and one in the evening.

County

Club Fed is your temporary home away from home with basic amenities.  County is a local holding facility that is more akin to where one would house a stray rabid animal.  You will be sent to County if you get shots or take an extended trek off campus.  Unless you are interested in having a Guantanemo experience it is recommended that you adhere to all of the Club Fed rules.

Dog Program

Should your sabbatical be of a substantial length (2 plus years) you would be eligible to apply to train dogs for people in need.  This requires you to have the dog live with you and you would be responsible for feeding, walking, training, etc.  Dogs can vary in size and temperament so this is recommended for people who consider themselves Dog Whisperers.

Education

There are a variety of educational programs available to you during your sabbatical.  From the basic (balancing a check book) to the more advanced (starting a business).  In order to pass your time productively it is highly recommended that you participate in some of the courses to avoid boredom.  Better yet, try your hand at teaching a few if you are so inclined.

Firefighter Training

If you are taking an extended staycay (say 3 plus years) you can apply to be accepted into a program to train to be a Firefighter.  Candidates should be strong (ala Ronda Rousey) as you will be participating in timed drills and need to be agile enough to carry heavy equipment.  If agreed upon with the local community, you may be called to assist in fighting fires outside of your Camp, otherwise you will be relegated to dealing with only issues on site.

HWH

Acronym for Half Way House.  When departing Club Fed some people enter these facilities before returning home.  Unlike Club Fed where Uncle Sam paid for your stay, at the HWH you must pay for your stay.  Rules are pretty much the same, so it is suggested you avoid this scenario as the HWH’s are normally in very bad areas and it’s best to stay at Club Fed and go directly home.

Horticulture

Certain Camps have greenhouses where you can learn how to grow plants, vegetables and herbs (of the therapeutic kind).  While most of the time is spent tending to decorative plants around your retreat, you can also  volunteer to work the more laborious vegetable gardens where food is grown for CDR.  The benefit is that you can make fresh mint tea daily, if you so desire.

HSU

Health Services Unit.  This is where you would go for any medical issues and to pick up any prescriptions/medications.  Equipment (and staff) are outdated and not recommended unless you are truly sick/injured.  See related Post entitled “McDreary.”

Inmate.com

Fellow campers are eager to share information they hear as they are deprived of their daily tweets, news alerts, etc.   Word to the wise…always double check (and in this instance, triple check) what you hear.

Laundry

Fairly self explanatory.  This is where you drop off/pick up your laundry weekly.  Sheets, blankets, clothing, etc. will all be laundered.  For a minimal monthly Fed Mart fee you can contract with an employee of Laundry to do this for you and return freshly laundered and folded/ironed clothes directly to your room.  Should you also require different clothes this is where you would exchange/pick up shirts, underwear, pants, coats, etc. as well as tailored items.  See related Post entitled “Lavenderia.”

Library

A repository of books for your reading pleasure normally open 7 days a week.  In addition to the plethora of romance novels you can also find the latest magazines (Time to Town & Country) and an entire collection of encyclopedias.  Since internet access is not permitted at Club Fed take this time to unplug and re-read some classics or explore Stephen King’s twisted stories.

Mail Call

Yes, mail is delivered to you Mon-Fri. In addition to USPS, most camps also receive UPS and Fed Ex shipments daily.  It is normally delivered in the early afternoon and will be distributed 2-3 times a day.  Your name will be called in your dorm and you can pick up the cards and books/magazines sent from Friends of F.  If you were sent a package with unapproved contents (e.g. brownies) you will need to go to the Mail Room and pay to have it returned or discarded.

Mail Room

A separate area/building where all of the mail is processed.  This is where you would go to ship packages (crochet blankets, Fed Mart purchases for your children, etc.).  For basic letters there are mailboxes around Club Fed where you can drop your letters/cards.  Stamps (and cards) can be purchased at Fed Mart.

Perc

This is short for Percoset, a drug.  Any number following normally refers to the dosage.

Pill Line

Set time(s) daily for one to pick up medication.  Normally ingested as received.

Pillow Princess

One that enjoys bulldagging.

Quiet Time

On the weekend’s, it is requested that noise is kept to a minimum in the early morning hours.  This is to everyone’s benefit, to allow for people to sleep in (if they so desire), relax, etc.  Counts are delayed on the weekends but all of the other facilities are open (Rec, TV Room, etc.)

Rec

The recreation center is a beehive of activity.  From those who are using the fitness machines (Elliptical, Treadmills, weight, etc.) to those participating in group exercise classes (Yoga, Step, Pilates, etc.) to those playing or watching sports teams (Basketball, Volleyball, etc.).  Depending upon your Camp, there could also be a stage for theatrical performances, tables and chairs for playing card/board games, and lots of TVs for watching news, etc. while enjoying the benefits of Rec.

ROY

Rumor on the Yard.  Similar to Inmate.com, information shared freely that may or may not be accurate.

RDAP

Residential Drug Addiction Program.  This is not available at all Camps but should you have a drug related issue you can apply for admission.  RDAP participants live in a separate dorm all together and adhere to a stricter set of rules.  Classes are held daily and participation is mandatory.  Should you successfully complete the program you will be eligible to leave Club Fed early.

Shot

No, not with a syringe.  A “Shot” refers to something you have done wrong.  A better term would be black mark.  It’s the opposite of a gold star.  The more shots you get, the more severe the punishment.  You want to avoid shots at all costs.  A minor shot might entail one having to do some menial cleaning task.  A more severe shot could result in you being moved off campus.  See related Post entitled “Did Someone Say Shots?”

Sick Call

Normally early in the morning and limited number of days per week at HSU.  This is where you would go to wait to be seen for minor issues (cold, toothache, etc.).  If you have a more serious illness (broken arm/leg, etc.) you will be taken to a local area hospital and treated.

Visitor Room/Center

Yes, you can have visitors at Club Fed.  On average, about 4 days a week and about 6 hours a day.  The Visitor Room is full of tables and chairs and, weather permitting, there are also tables and chairs outdoors for you to sit, walk, talk, etc.  For the children there is a playroom and, depending upon the Camp, outdoors activities (swings, etc.).  No, there is nothing separating you, you can hold hands, hug, kiss, etc.

Yarn Project

If you can knit/crochet this is a wonderful program to participate in.  Yarn is provided to you to make items to be sent to the needy.  Children’s blankets and toys as well as bed blankets are being churned out weekly by fellow Campers.